Phoning it in: A Guide to Slacking Off At Work

A step-by-step guide to goofing off on the clock

I’m not someone who would ever tell you to lose your job. You should be thankful if you have a job that you can tolerate let alone like. Having said that, sloth comes naturally to me and I’m lucky that I’ve found one of the easiest jobs in the world: radio. I just talk into a microphone saying stupid stuff all day while others contribute to society. That’s not a humblebrag and I love my job, I’m just saying that what I do isn’t saving any lives or making great scientific discoveries. No matter what your job is there are times when you just don’t want to work (like the week leading up to your vacation) so I’m here to help you fake it through your week.

The internet is your friend.

Most office work is done on a computer, you know what else is on a computer? The greatest innovation of our time; the internet. It’s an endless garbage dump of time-wasters, music, jokes, movies and more, so get on there and watch your day evaporate in front of your very eyes. Pro-tip: look really frustrated and intense while staring at your screen, it will make you seem busy.

These should keep you busy for today. Some NSFW content here though, so use your judgment:
Liar Town USA
Brown Cardigan


(Photo by Romain Toornier via Flickr)


Use fractions.

When I’m trying to count down the time before I can finally bail on work I use fractions. It’s noon? Guess what? You’re over 50% done your day! It’s Thursday? Well by the end of the day you’ll be 80% done your work week! I’ve written 3 paragraphs, that means I’m 60% done this post right now!

(Photo by Boaz Arad via Flickr)


Take breaks.

Do you smoke? Pretend you do. You don’t ever have to prove it, just go outside and chill. Take walks around your building and if you run into anyone important just pick up the pace and say “no time!” and scurry past. Coffee breaks work, extended lunch breaks too. Sleep in a bathroom stall. Get creative, it’s your time to shine!

(Photo by Donkey Hotey via Flickr)


Do the bare minimum.

You’re going to have to do SOME work at some point or you’ll be canned in no time. No one said you have to set the world on fire all of the time so coast when possible. If you have the option to work from home take it. Turn your living room into a Doritos-crusted Den of Sloth as often as possible. Let George Costanza be your patron saint.

(Photo by stephanie vacher via Flickr)


Come in late/leave early.

This only works if you’re not closely monitored at your job but 15 minutes on either end cuts 1/16th of your day off. See? Fractions!

(Photo by Roo Reynolds via Flickr)


This is mostly meant to be for joke purposes only, but some of these suggestions can be used sparingly to get you through the bad weeks. Don’t get yourself fired. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to work, I’m 40% through my week!