Summer is all about finding a balance between soaking up the big hot sun and kicking back and enjoying sweet relief at the bottom of a tall glass. But you can’t use the backyard for the extra fridge space like we can during our great Canadian winters, so when friends come by you have to get creative. Enter the porchcrawler (AKA porchclimber), an answer long favoured by our most industrious drinkers, those scrappy university students that live down the street. Forgoing fine craft in favour of maximum potency, these creations are all about broad strokes and cooky collaborations that sound awful but…just work.
PORCHCRAWLER (THE ORIGINAL)
This is what started it all. The basic ingredients are below, but feel free to treat them like a guideline and add in rum, whiskey or whatever you happen to have on hand. This is less about careful mixology or chemistry than it is about sheer potency. You’re mixing it all together in lemonade anyway, so you can get away with using the cheapest stuff you can find. You can even go the pot luck route with this one.
40 oz vodka
26 oz gin
24 cans beer
2L ginger ale
3 cans lemonade concentrate
Unload all your liquid ingredients into a big (clean) cooler, laundry basin, Rubbermaid, or other water-tight container. Add enough ice cubes to cover the surface, stir, and – BAM – you’re crawling across your porch.
This murky take on the original doesn’t do much for the eyes, but it goes down easy.
2 x 750ml UV Blue
26 oz gin
24 cans gin
2L ginger ale
3 cans pink lemonade concentrate
Combine liquid ingredients in large water-tight container, mix in pink lemonade concentrate. If you throw in ice cubes you might lose the soapy “dishwater” effect of the beer foam, so it’s best to chill your glasses and cool your ingredients as much as possible in advance and use a cooler to enjoy this one to the fullest.
The whole point of antifreeze is to decrease the freezing point of a solvent while also achieving an “anti-boil.” This electric concoction deepens your chill while getting you buzzed. By adding your spirits to your beer, juice and soda mix, you’re technically still honouring the title, but it’s the blue-green colouring of this
12 cans beer
40 oz vodka
26 oz Blue Curacao
2 x 2L bottle Sprite
Sweet and sour (esp. citrus) fruits (optional)
Combine all ingredients in large 10-gallon cooler. Add ice, stir. Add fruit slices for extra flavour.
Swimming in this stuff makes for a refreshing break from any heat wave, but instead of a mouthful of chlorine, this pool water goes down nice and easy. At the same time, just like real pool water, make sure you don’t drink too much. You might get seasick…
40 oz grain alcohol
2 x 40 oz vodka (gin works as substitute)
1 can lemonade concentrate
1 can limeade concentrate
2-4 packets Blue Raspberry Lemonade Kool-Aid to taste
Combine liquid ingredients in large container. Mix in Kool-Aid powder, until punch is a tropical blue. Add ice, stir, go swimming.
FISH HOUSE PUNCH
This one’s name evokes some truly awful smells and images, but it only got its name by osmosis, as it was allegedly first created in 1732 at a Philidelphia fishing club, the State in Schuylkill, AKA the “Fish House.” It won’t smell like fish. Promise.
1 cup (240 ml) sugar
3½ cups (830 ml) water
1½ cups fresh lemon juice (6-8 lemons), strained
26 oz Jamaican amber rum
12 oz cognac
2 oz peach brandy
½-gallon ice block
Garnish: lemon slices (optional)
Stir together sugar and water until sugar is dissolved. Add lemon juice and spirits, and chill, covered at least 3 hours. Place half gallon ice block in punch bowl and pour punch over it.
(Photo: Paul Saad)