5 Types of Facebook Posts That Will Get You Unfollowed

Don't even think about it

I’m in my 30s so I still use Facebook as my number one social media platform. Twitter is a little too needy for me and I’m still not quite sure what Instagram is. I think it’s either a measurement or an international selfie archive project. Snapchat and Tumblr? None of my damn business. There are a few ways to get instantly unfollowed on my Facebook feed and here are my top offences:
 
“Food Porn”

I hate using that term but you know what I mean. People posting pictures of poorly-prepared and presented meals with captions like “Braised lamb shanks and parsnip-apple mash on a weekday? NBD!”. It may look good to you but to everyone else it looks like a shepherd’s pie that was fired out of a t-shirt cannon. If you’re not a chef or photographer you can cut it out, thank you.
 
Pseudoscience

No, almonds don’t cure cancer. No, you can’t get sick through a flu shot nor is it government mind control. No you can’t “cleanse your body of toxins” with a miracle smoothie diet. I don’t know when everyone turned into internet shamans but the amount of borderline dangerous and massively unscientific health info floating around FB is astounding. Got a health question? ASK AN ACTUAL MEDICAL DOCTOR, not the hippie you blazed with in college who gets all of his information from NaturalNews.com.
 
Baby/Dog/Cat Pics

I’m a parent and I understand the pride you feel about sharing your special little guy or girl with the world, but take it easy OK? We don’t need to see every waking minute of little Crispin’s life, we don’t care. He’s cute, he’s a wonderful addition to your family but we don’t need to see him all of the time. He will probably hate you for it later so send those pics to his grandparents, they’ll eat them up.
 
Conspiracy Theories

Any posts containing the words chemtrails, 9/11 was an inside job, vaccines cause autism or that we are being ruled by Reptilian overlords will get you an instant ban in my FB world. The dude you know from high school who barely scraped through grade 10 shop class is suddenly an expert in geothermics, biochemistry and the inner workings of our highest levels of government. Here’s how you can tell if someone is a conspiracy nut: question their post and they will reply by calling you either a “shill” or “sheeple” (cringe) and tell you they’ve “done their research”. But not at like, an actual University, just on Google.
 
The “Victims”

Sample post “Guys, I’m REALLY shaken up! I just got into a crazy accident on my bike!”. This person waits for the deluge of “OMG! Are you OK?” and “Call Me!!!” replies only to post a picture of a mildly skinned knee. They also like cryptic posts like “Things aren’t good, going away for a while…..”. You’ll of course feel concerned for the first couple of times until you realize that this person is a vampire who feeds on pity and acknowledgement. If you’re having a hard time in life, reach out to some to talk to. If you’re just bored and seeking attention maybe don’t turn your life into a carnival of self pity. Just a thought.