As a (semi) functioning adult, you sometimes forget that at one point in your life couldn’t tell a toaster from a can of tuna. That’s why good fathers like Nathan Ripperger make it their duty to teach their children those valuable lessons.

A father to five children, Ripperger decided to make an illustrated book of the 80 straight out weirdest things he’s caught himself telling them. Here’s a couple samples from the book Things I’ve Said To My Kids, via Buzzfeed.