Everyone from Billy Idol to Snoop Dogg to David Hasselhoff has cashed in on the yuletide market, but for every perfect Vince Guaraldi Trio melody, there is a Jingle Cats Christmas. Some millennials plead the novelty factor while donning their knitted sweaters, but we can all agree that nobody likes the guy who slugs William Hung onto the playlist as a “joke.”
Christmas is no laughing matter, folks! Bing Crosby (and the Pogues) is the reason for the season!
Take this from this guy who maintains the advent calendar ritual, collects miniature village figurines and debates the Greatest Christmas Film Of All-Time with March Madness-style bracketing system… sometimes Christmas music goes a little too far and this compilation features some of those instances, because everybody likes to Scrooge.
Crazy Frog, Last Christmas EP
After reading that three syllable moniker, feel those ringtone dance-beats of unwanted nostalgia inflect your gag reflex. Wham!’s Last Christmas in the club! Wham!’s Last Christmas in a soft vibe. Wham!’s Last Christmas cranked to the ultimate level of happiness! Merry Christmas!
Afroman, A Colt 45 Christmas
Get jolly with “Deck My Balls”!
John Travolta And Olivia Newton-John, This Christmas
Imagine the pitch at the record and label: Danny and Sandy sing the carols with special guests Barbra Streisand, James Taylor and saxophone God, Kenny G! Although, all of the album’s proceeds go toward John’s Jett Travolta Foundation that helps children with disabilities, including autism and seizures, honouring his late son who died from a seizure in 2009. For cancer survivor Olivia, the funds go to the Olivia Newton-John Cancer and Wellness Centre in Melbourne, which helps with cancer research and treatment.
Seth MacFarlane, Holiday For Swing
In the tradition of The Brady Bunch Christmas Album or Star Wars’ Christmas In The Stars comes Holiday For Swing by Family Guy / TED creator, Seth MacFarlane. It’s impossible to separate the sound of his voice from the visual of Brian the talking dog.
William Hung, Hung For The Holidays
In response to being the laughing stock of 2004, other than the American election results, William Hung was claimed by Koch Records to ring every possible cent out of the Hung-sation!
Merry Christmas With The Mom And Dads
Your favourite Western-styled folk music group from Spokane, Washington that specialized in waltzes, polkas that is composed of one elderly woman and three middle-aged men. They made a name for themselves in western Canada.
Mojo Nixon And The Toadliquors, Horny Holidays
In December 1991, Mojo Nixon and his band, the Toadliquors went to Memphis, guzzled their way through 16 drunken, bawdy Christmas classics and originals to deliver the glorious Horny Holidays.
Mirror Image, Yuletide Disco
Nativity Night Fever!
Regis Philbin, Christmas Album
Once you’ve worn out your copy of Christmas With Colonel Sanders and you want to feel like you’re at one of David Letterman’s classy dinner parties, drop the needle on the Reg!
Bob Dylan, Christmas From The Heart
When he plugged in at Newport in 1965 it signified one of the most important changes in modern music: in some ways it was the birth of “rock” music as we know it today. He wrote Blonde On Blonde, Blood On The Tracks… the list goes on! And then this happened.
Straight No Chaser, Christmas Cheers
For that person in your family who cannot get enough Glee.
Jethro Tull, Christmas Album
For that person in your family who cannot get enough Aqualung.
Jessica Simpson, Happy Christmas
If anyone tells you that Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmastime” is sacrilegious this season, spin them 30-seconds of this attempt to showcase her entire range in each song.
The Golddiggers, We Need A Little Christmas
They made their debut on the third season of Dean Martin’s variety show with dance segues and were known as the Ding-A-Ling Sisters. With the minor success of their holiday release, Bob Hope invited their “ear candy” on the road for three of his Christmas tour. References that you’ll have to type into the search engine of your choice.
Wilf Carter, Christmas In Canada
Wilf or “Montana Slim” as he was known below the border recorded a handful of canuck-themed tunes. The most interesting of these is the story of “Punkinhead”, the sad little bear. “Punkinhead” was an attempt by Eaton’s, the Canadian department store chain to emulate the success of post-war Christmas marketing creations like Rudolph and Frosty.