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The 7 People You’ll Likely See At Thanksgiving Dinner This Year

Family, am I right? As we brace ourselves for another Thanksgiving season, here are a few examples of the people we are likely to see across the harvest table this month—for better or for worse.


Typical names:
Bev, Joanne, Sandy

Lipstick on teeth (for most of the day)
Three Chardonnays deep before the first guest arrives
In an effort to fit in, will claim to like Drake because he is nice to his mom

Thanksgiving Day odds:
Crying (10:1)
Claims store-bought stuffing as her own recipe (5:1)
Will reference a joke she heard on the Ellen Degeneres show (1:1)


Your great-aunt Terry and her “friend” Jean

Constantly talking about their garden
Have to get home early to catch a show on TLC
In a longer, healthier relationship than you have, or ever will.

Thanksgiving Day odds:
Sharing home remedies for removing cat urine stains (10:1)
Will bring a dish despite your mother’s assurance it is not necessary (5:1)
Matching mom jeans (2:1)


Your sister’s new boyfriend (good)

Typical names:
Chad, Michael, Simon

Handles conflict appropriately
Up to date on mortgage payments
Favourite album: Phil Collins “No Jacket Required”

Thanksgiving Day odds:
Agitating an old skiing injury (20:1)
Discussing stock portfolios with your dad (10:1)
Breaking up with your sister three months later (5:1)


Your sister’s new boyfriend (bad)

A photo posted by SHIN (@gaedongs) on

Typical names:
Lance, Vince, Rick

Graduate of the “School of Life”
Does NOT want children
Has his own business that he won’t talk about

Thanksgiving Day odds:
Will be asked to leave before dinner (20:1)
Asking your parents if they have any spare copper wiring in the basement (10:1)
Moving in with your sister three months later (5:1)


Drunk Uncle

Typical names:
Murray, Barney, Arthur / Art

“Understands Trump’s side”
Prefers Glenfiddich 12 year+ (but will literally drink anything else)

Thanksgiving day odds:
Saying something offensive (even odds)
Saying something offensive to your date (2:1)
Spending most of the day in the garage with the family dog because he has been shunned for saying something offensive (5:1)


The previously unknown offspring of the cousin you haven’t seen in 5+ years

A photo posted by oldnavy (@oldnavy) on

Typical names:
Dakota, Madison, Kyra (girl)
Hudson, Noah, Finn (boy)

Runny nose
Dirty hands
Cute, but likely just a phase

Thanksgiving Day odds:
Screaming for pumpkin pie because it’s pie, then hating it because it tastes like pumpkin (10:1)
Breaking something and then crying (5:1 odds)
Asking for, and then not finishing, an entire can of soda (2:1 odds)


Great-Grandma / Great-Grandpa

A photo posted by @nicobessuejouls on

Typical names:
Mary / George

Requires some feeding, despite protest
Due back at ‘the home’ by 9pm
Has a few decent stories about the Great Depression

Thanksgiving Day odds:
Reveals a game-changing family confession (50:1)
Nods off less than five times (20:1)
When leaving, says “see you all next year” and everyone’s, like, “ummm…” (10:1)

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