The Definitive Guide to Reading Toronto Rental Ads

The code has been deciphered

If you’ve ever hunted for an apartment in Toronto, you know it’s the worst. It’s a lot like looking through personal ads, right down to the misleading photos that exaggerate the good features and attempt to hide the bad stuff.

I’m back on the hunt right now (hey, if you hear about a nice 1-2 bedroom in the Parkdale/Roncesvalles/Bloorcourt/Duwest area… holler at yr giiirl!) and just reading the ads is an exercise in code-breaking.

So, I’ve decided it’s finally time to make the Definitive Guide to Reading Toronto Rental Ads. Here, with help from Indie88 listeners, are what some common apartment ad words ACTUALLY mean:

Cozy = Small

Junior 1-Bedroom = Bring your own hotplate

Private Entrance = You are 100% in someone else’s house.

Bright = It’s a basement.

Students only = It’s a disgusting basement.

Perfect for a Single Professional = It’s an overpriced basement you MIGHT be able to fit a desk into.

Newly Renovated = Hope you like cheap Ikea cabinets!

Quiet = The landlords live upstairs and will bang on the floor if you watch teevee at a normal volume.

Lots of character = It’s old and probably falling apart.

Eat-In Kitchen = Hope you don’t have a dining room table!

Spacious = It’s just one big room! There are no walls!

Dogs OK = It already smells.

Three-Piece Bathroom = Isn’t this just a regular bathroom? Am I supposed to be impressed?

Furnished = Who’s STUFF IS THIS? Who rents these?!

Clean = The tiled floors were mopped once and there are only a few mice. Also, we painted over that mould so don’t worry about it.

Charming = Weird

Looking for a Quiet, Responsible Person = Your new landlord has owned this place for 40 years, do NOT fuck with anything.

TTC Steps From Door = There’s a bus stop twenty minutes from here.

Up & Coming Neighbourhood = This place is sketchy as hell.

Nice = Good Luck.