Now that I’m a fully grown adult, I don’t have to rely on trick-or-treating to get my yearly candy fix. Sure it’s not as fun to go out and buy candy, but at least I don’t have to be wasteful and throw out half the candy I get because it’s crap.
If you are a trick or treater who has somehow stumbled on this article, or perhaps a concerned parent with little to no candy knowledge, you’ve come to the right place. At the end of the night when you dump all your winnings on your living room floor, use this list as a reference to weed out which candies to separate from the good ones, and which ones to throw out completely.
Here is the definitive ranking of sh*tty Halloween candy.
Black licorice
Image courtesy Susanne Nilsson via Flickr
Let’s start of easy, okay? Let’s put aside the fact that black licorice can literally kill you, this candy taste like flaming car tire. Why anyone would make a candy that tastes like fennel is beyond me. Always choose cherry licorice, anyways, let’s move on.
Score: 2/10
Rasinettes
To every person who considers handing out candy-coated raisins to trick or treaters, consider this: how many times have you seen kids spit out food they don’t like? The answer is probably a lot. So why would you think that giving dehydrated fruit to kids covered in waxy faux chocolate would garner a different response? Look at your life, look at your choices.
Score: 3/10
Rockets
If you live in the states you call them Smarties, but here in Canada that name means something completely different. Whatever you call them, in the grand scheme of things rockets aren’t the worst thing you can get. My big issue with them is the sheer volume of rockets you end up. It’s just far too much sugar dust for any living human could reasonably consume.
Score: 4/10
Tootsie Rolls
Tootsie rolls deserves some tough love because they are themselves are tough candies to eat. The thing with these, are that tootsie rolls are extremely time-consuming. If you’re about to go to town on that satchel of candy bars and chips, the last thing you want to do is slow yourselves down with one of these. They aren’t even that tasty, just greased up candy wax.
Score: 3/10
Caramel
While we’re on the subject of chewy, hard to eat sugar mounds, look no further than caramel cubes. These things are just a nuisance to eat. They get stuck to everything in your mouth, and after all that chewing they start to taste kind of like chalk. You’re going to end up with 100 of these at the end of the night, so get out a candy dish and pile them in there for your next family gathering.
Score: 2/10
Dots
Who actually eats these? Seriously.
Next.
Score: 2/10
Bubble Gum
Image courtesy Gary Burke via Flickr
This always confuses and angers me. Who is giving out gum…GUM. You can’t eat this stuff. But I guess it’s good to have.
Score: 4/10
Smarties
I don’t really mind Smarties all that much, they aren’t the worst thing on this list. That being said, if given the choice I would always go M&M’s over the Canadian knock-off. But whatever you do, never and I mean NEVER go off-brand smarties. Those are uncharted territories of horribleness
Score: 5/10
Popeyes
In truth, I don’t even know if they give these out anymore but I actually liked these for some sick reason. In no way am I condoning smoking, but as a kid I always used to put these in my mouth and feel cool. They don’t taste amazing, just bonus points for nostalgia I guess.
Score: 4/10
Candy Corn
Here we are, the holy grail of terrible Halloween of candy corn. Rather than explain it myself, I give you the greatest argument of why it’s the worst from comedian Lewis Black.
Score: -2/10
Photo by Dane Deaner on Unsplash